Bortopia

American Society

2008-06-05T19:41:00.001-07:00

My friend Carlos let me cheat on our SOCIAL STUDIES quiz last week using HIS answers...
Too Bad he got some shit WRONG!!
He's an IDIOT and filled in "TEACHERS" TWICE!
Because of CARLOS, I only got an 80%, I'm never using stupid cArlos's anwers AGAIN!

Katie

2008-05-23T12:51:00.001-07:00

couldn't come to class last week, she told me she wasn't feeling good.

YEAH RIGHT FAKERRRR!!!!

2008-05-23T12:48:00.000-07:00

HOly cow this building would've been awesome but it got cancelled

Cat

2008-05-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

My friend Tyler found this cat:

Trevor

2008-02-01T01:08:00.001-08:00

I've been running on the CROSS COUNTRY team all winter, but I'm NEVER gonna be as good at running as TREVOR!

HE'S the team CAPTAIN, and even though he doesn't talk to ME very much, I ALWAYS listen to him when he tells us about the best ways to run and WORK OUT and stuff.

Like how he told us to eat lots of CARBS the night before a race... I REALLY followed his advice and told my MOM she hadda make me a HIGH- CARB dinner last week before our race.

She's RETARDED though, and made a DISGUSTING dinner of PASTA with BEANS on it!
I didn't WANNA eat it, but I DID.

You PROBABLY think that I'm gonna tell about how I FARTED like KRAyzEe the next day and the TURBO BOOST from the FARTS help me run SUPER FAST and I WON the RACE and EVEN BEAT TREVOR!!!, but that's not what happened...

The next morning before my RACE, my DAD took my running shoes by ACCIDENT and wore 'em to WORK! I had NO CHOICE but to wear HIS sneakers and they FUCKING STANK but I HAD NO CHOICE!!!!

THEN, on the bus ride to the race, people on the bus started looking at me funny and i KNEW they could SMELL my DAD'S STINKY SHOES and then TREVOR said, "Yo Bort, your FEET FUCKING STINK LIKE BALONEY!!"

THEN everyone started LAUGHING and calling me BALONEY FEET!!! BALONEY FEET!!!!

THEN I STARTED FARTING FROM THE BEANS!!!!!

Skeeter

2008-01-24T00:15:00.001-08:00

Hey I almost forgot to tell you!!

I was all sad and BORED all the time back in December b/c my Mom wouldn't let me use the COMPUTER, so my DAD felt SORRY for me and got me an AWESOME HORSE for Christmas!!

I named him SKEETER and we let him live in the garage with our turtles!

After a WEEK or so, it go real hard tryin' to take care of Skeeter. He kept SHITTING all over the garage and it costed Dad like $1000 bucks just to feed him and after only a couple days our whole apartment smell like a BARN.

So my Mom told me and my Dad we hadda get "RID of the piece of SHIT horse!" and we put and ad up on craigslist.

Some KID answered the ad in like an HOUR, and later that day some NERDY IDIOT named Scott came over to take Skeeter.

When Scott came near Skeeter to meet him, I whispered in Skeeter's ear "NOW Skeeter, NOW DO IT!! Bite off his PENIS!!"

He DIDN'T though. He just STOOD THERE like an IDIOT!

Diane

2008-01-16T22:22:00.001-08:00

My parents' friend Diane is staying with us this week...she may SEEM weird, but she is FUN!!

See – Diane used to be PHIL, and was a married man with kids and and office job and everything and SUPER STRESSED OUT all the time until last year she realized that she was so stressed out b/c she was never MEANT to be a MAN at ALL!

THEN she went to Thailand and had her BALLS cut off and her penis REVERSED inside her so it became a sensitive HOLE like a vagina!

NOW Diane can finally RELAX...

And RELAX she does!!

Last night, after my parents went to sleep, Diane busted out a JOINT and axed me and my cousin Jorge if we wanted to SMOKE some GANJJJJJJJJ with her!

Of course we DID....but she didn't know we were ALREADY on ACID and planned to watch the Wizard of Oz while playing the Dark Side of the MOON album. I've done it before, and it REALLY FUCKING WORKS!!

Me and Jorge convinced Diane to smoke with us AND watch the movie, and at FIRST she was all, "This is BULLSHIT it doesn't synch up at all!" but when MONEY came on and it was all in FUCKING COLOR she got SUPER EXCITED and started singing ALONG!!!

Me and Jorge sang along too, and NONE of us knew the WORDS but it didn't MATTER!!!!

PARTY on Saturday!!

2008-01-14T23:24:00.001-08:00

OH MAN!! Saturday night's party was STUPID!

My parents went out of TOWN this weekend so I invited EVERYONE over and ME, Mike, Jackie, and some other people ate Ecstasy and EVERYONE kept telling each other how much they FUCKING LOVED EACH OTHER and telling ME that TOO, but I was on the floor pretending I was deaf and retarded and I didn't CARE WHO loved me or whatever because I was pretending I couldn't hear them ANYWAY!

Then when I was moaning some retarded stuff on the floor and fake drooling, someone ran downstairs and told me that Andy was O.D.ing in my bathroom!

I ran up there and Andy was sitting behind my toilet jerking around like a REAL mentally challenged person and he was REALLY drooling...out of his NOSE!!!!

I told him that he COULDN'T O.D. behind my toilet and that he HADDA get the fuck outta my HOUSE and then I made him get up and walk out the door and down the street away from my house.

I think his friends came to pick him up later or something...

ANYWAY then I went back inside and we watched my Liquid Television videos and I tried to get Jodi to let me touch her BOOBS again but she FUCKING WOULDN'T!!!

Jermaine

2008-01-10T22:44:00.001-08:00

My MOM is SO ANNOYING!!

SHE thinks that since she FINALLY let me use the COMPUTER again, she can just dump her CHORES on ME!

Like YESTERDAY, I had to BABYSIT Li'l JERMAINE while SHE went to the BEAUTY PARLOR to get her HAIR COIFFED!

Lil'J was sittin' on the couch eatin' his Saltines TRYIN' to TALK to ME and I TOLD him NOT to BOTHER ME but he KEPT askin' me to pretend I was OLD and DEAF and fall down on the floor and try and get up so's he could LAUGH and laugh.

I told him I COULDN'T cuz I was checkin' out my MYSPACE page and shit and he should just SHUTUP but he wouldn't!

He kept askin me and ASKIN' ME!

I wouldn't DO IT though!!

Instead, I got SUPER MAD and grabbed him and held him down and I put like FIFTY SALTINES in my MOUTH and then I chewed them RIGHT INTO HIS EAR!!!!

BACK!!!

2008-01-07T23:45:00.001-08:00

WOWIE!! I thought I'd NEVER get to Blog AGAIN, but now I CAN thanks to Fat Rhonda!!

It's been like 3 MONTHS since my BITCH SISTER showed my MOM BORTOPIA and my MOM FREAKED OUT andtold me I COULDN'T use the computer EVER AGAIN because "I BEST NOT be WRITING all those BULLSHIT LIES on the INTERNET ABOUT OUR FUCKING FAMILY!!!"

I TOLD my RETARDED HITLER MOM that I haven't made ANYTHING up and anyway its NONE of her STUPID BUSINESS what I blog about, but she wouldn't let me use the COMPUTER even when I CRIED and PEED my pants AND THREW OUT her STUPID CIGARETTES!!

She WOULDN'T even let me go on my MYSPACE page for like, 2 SECONDS!!!!

I didn't know what to DO, so I finally axed Fat Rhonda about it last week and BEGGED her to talk to my mom, and she DID!!!

Later that night her and my Mom went out somewhere, and I dunno WHAT the fuck they did, but a couple of days later my mom came into my room and told me I could use the COMPUTER again but that I COULDN'T write ANYTHING about HER or the FAMILY and that I'd "better THANK Rhonda" for changing her mind.

I made Rhonda this SPECIAL CARD to THANK HER!!!!

Wheels

2007-10-03T22:50:00.001-07:00

MAN, I saw my Uncle Charlie on Monday, and he is moving UP in the WORLD!

He was all, "Yo Bort, lemme tell YOU somethin'...you can't be pickin' up the BITCHES on FOOT! If you wanna gets the LADIES, you gotta get you a FLY CAR!"

"FLY CAR = FLY BITCHES!!"

I checked out his wheels and HOT BABE for a sec, then I SMELLED somethin' WEIRD....

It smelled like some BABY crapped his pants!!!

I was all, "Yo, does it STINK like BABY SHIT 'round here?

Uncle Charlie was like, "What you talkin' bout Bort? They ain't no smell! SHUTUP BORT!!"

HAHA!! I knew it! I knew it! And I told his GIRLFRIEND what I KNEW!!!!!

UNCLE CHARLIE CRAPPED HIS PANTS!!!

The Mayor

2007-09-23T13:10:00.001-07:00

On Wednesday my mom told me she was gonna get me out of school early because the next afternoon we were gonna meet the MAYOR!

When I woke up on thursday I found a note from my mom sayin' that she went to work early and that I hadda iron a nice shirt to wear to meet the MAYOR...

THEN I realized I was the only one HOME, and I RAN to my brother's room and took out his Playboy mag so I could look at BOOBS while I ironed my shirt.

ZOMG I got carried away lookin' at BOOBS and I almost MISSED the bus to school! I rushed out the house and just barely caught it in time!

Around 2 pm I got back home from school and I was READYREADYREADY to meet the MAYOR, but when I walked in the door I heard my MOM yellin' "WHAT'S THIS PORNO!!! WHAT'S THIS PORNO!!!??!?!"

I forgot to put it away!

She came downstairs and was all, "BORT IS THIS YOURMUTHERFUCKINGPORNO?!?! GET THIS FUCKINGDIRTYFUCKINGSHIT OUTTA MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!"

OH LORDY!! I LIED like CRAZY and I told her it was my cousin Edgar's and that HE was lookin' at it NOT ME and anyway I HATE PORN WHATEVER IT'S NOT MINE IT'S EDGAR'S! EDGARRRRRR!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT calmed her down for a while...but I could tell she was still PISSED!

WE went to city hall right after that, and I really got to meet the MAYOR!

When I met him, I was a little nervous, but he smiled kindly at me and said, "Son, you'd better do well in SCHOOL, because you know something? YOU are the FUTURE. Remember that. You are the future...."

WOWIE!!!! I went home right after THAT and did ALL my HOMEWORK!!!!!!

Rodrigo

2007-09-13T22:08:00.001-07:00

On my way home from the BAR last night, I stopped into the bodega near my house.

I USUALLY stop there to buy a beer on the way home from the bar (so i can keep getting drunk while I play video games), but last night, I had a DIFFERENT plan...

Instead of beer, I bought ICE CREAM!!!

When I took it to the counter, Rodrigo was like, "Hey Bort, no beer tonight?"

I retorted, "No, no, Rodrigo my friend. No Beer for ME tonight....
Tonight, I will smoke POT and eat ICE CREAM!!!"

Rodrigo was all, "As long as your spending MONEY, s'ok wit' me, but MAN, my wife don't let me smoke weed OR eat ice cream...she say she don't want no FAT, STONED nigga for no husband!"

I was taken aback by this statement!

I asked him, "Rodrigo, do you think I could get FAT from eating ICE CREAM???!?!"

He smiled, and said, "Yeah, but you got time...it would prally take about a month....well, maybe a couple days..."

RADICOOL!! I went home and BLAZED and then I ate the WHOLE FUCKING THING!!!

Neighbors

2007-09-03T22:22:00.000-07:00

Some new FANCY people moved into that renovated building down the street from us...

I never thought I would get to see what their apartment looks like from the INSIDE, but Saturday night I was out walking my dog Indiana, and when I walked by I heard music coming from the building! I went over to the window to spy on the party, and can you even believe it?

I saw my friend Jackie in there!

I called her name, and she came over and was all,
"Bort!! Gettttttttttttttttt D R U N K!!!"

I went in and drank a SHITLOAD of whiskey with Jackie for a while and I was watchin' her LAUGH and LAUGH about her ex-BF, and THEN I saw those LORD of the RINGS action figures over on the BOOKSHELF!

I went over there and put Gollum humping Legolas while he blew Bilbo Baggins and I started moaning like how my PARENTS do....and I was ABOUT to leave Gollum in that position but then Jackie was all, "Yo BORT, the girl that lives here is WATCHIN' you DO that and she looks PISSED!"

I started PRETENDING that I was just earnestly ADMIRING those action figures, but it DIDN'T WORK and that fancy girl went up to her husband and she started sayin' how she wanted all these ASSHOLES OUTTA HERE!

SHIT!! I RAN and FILLED up my glass again with her SCOTCH and then I FARTED and VANISHED like HOUDINI!!!

Uncle Bud

2007-08-21T19:33:00.001-07:00

Cripes!

We saw Uncle Bud yesterday!

My parents dropped me and my brother Chris off at Orchard Beach on Saturday, and we was gonna have a cookout right there on that beach! We brought a grill, charcoal, and a shitload of MGD.

We thought we were ALL SET, until MOM called and told us that we "PATHETIC LOSERS forgot to bring the FUCKING HOT DOGS TO GRILL!!!"

SHIT, we din't know WHAT to do, and we DID feel like LOSERS without any DOGS to grill an' THEN Chris is all, "yo Bort, izzat UNCLE BUD walkin' towardz us?"

It WAS! It really was!!! I couldn't believe it!!!

Uncle Bud saw us and came over and we 'splained about not havin any DOGS and he smiled and said, "Hey guys, I got a hot dog for you right here..."

MIA

2007-08-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

OMG I went to see a fuckin' CONCERT in Brooklyn!!

I kept tryin' to look at M.I.A.'s BOOBS all these JERKS kept jumpin' up and down and gettin' in my WAY!!

FINALLY I got tired of trying and I just looked at the boobs of the girl next to me.

They were just kind of OK though...

LeShawn

2007-07-24T18:50:00.000-07:00

We all wuz playin' in Pelham Bay Park yesterday an' Darnell said he wantid ta play FREEZE TAG an' first IT was LeShawn and LeShawn closeded he EYES an' we was RUNNIN' an' laughin' 'bout how SLOW his ass was couldn't catch NONE us!!

HAHA! I kept runnin' an' TELLIN' LeShawn he so SLOW an' shit and he be all "I'll GIT you Bort!!" but I MATRIXED out da way an LeShawn got CARISSA instead but I ran AROUND LeShawn an then I TAG Carissa so she FREE but then LeShawn come up n GET ME on my SIDE!

DANG! LeShawn FROZE MY ASS!!

Freedom Camp

2007-07-18T18:05:00.000-07:00

HOLY FUCKING FUCK!!!!!!

It's been two whole months since John Ashcroft kicked down the door to my house and stole me away to FREEDOM CAMP!

I can't really talk about FREEDOM CAMP or what happened to me or why I was there...

We hadda wake up EARLY as HELL every morning and bow down to the The Statue of FREEDOM, and one time I REFUSED and the guards made me go to church AND listen to the BARNEY SONG 24hrs/day for the next three weeks!!

It was the WORST 3 weeks EVER!!!!

Anyway.... ALLAHU AKBAR, praise be to the Muslim Goat Lord, my time at FREEDOM CAMP was a silly SILLY government mistake and I'm back at home in the BRONX again.

At LEAST my MOM has been SUPER nice to me since I got back.

She bought me some ICE CREAM and she EVEN took me to see the TRANSFORMERS movie last week!!

Too bad it FUCKING SUCKED!!!!!

Anal

2007-05-11T09:51:00.000-07:00

Anal sits behind me in Social Studies class.

He thinks he's the TEACHER'S PET!!!

Every time Mr. Murray asks a question about the Iroquois or about the Teapot Dome scandal, I ALWAYS know the answer, but he doesn't call on me he calls on stupid Anal!

And Anal doesn't even answer right away, either!

He just complains and COMPLAINS that "my name is ANIL, ANEEEEEL!!!! NOT ANAL!!!
It's ANIL!!!!"

Whatever ANAL!!! Just answer the question!!!!

Andrew

2007-05-06T23:57:00.000-07:00

My cousin Andrew has the same birthday as me.

It RUINS my birthday every YEAR!!!

I ALWAYS have to SHARE my party with my idiot cousin and his molester friends.

This year, my MOM made us her crappy chocolate "Super-Cake" as usual, and CAVITY Andy ate like 3 slices of that shit!

THEN we played Katamari for a couple hours, until my parents fell asleep...

As soon as we heard their door close we stold the resta my DAD's vodka and went down to the BASEMENT.

I kept makin' Andy take shot after shot and then I told him to take his SHIRT off, not like I'm GAY or anythin', I just wanted to see if his SIX-PACK is as cut as MINE.

He took off his shirt and I took off mine, and I started flexin' my stomach muscles to show him how doing 65 CRUNCHES every day works, but he kept drunkenly STARIN' at the mole on my chest and askin if I had a third nipple or what.

I told him he "could SHUT THE FUCK UP about MOLE-O!" and I pushed him right into my dad's TROPHY display case!

He fell down on the floor and started PUKING chocolate BARF all OVER the place!!!

HAHA!!! THEN he started CRYING!!!!

Jennie

2007-04-25T00:33:00.000-07:00

Jennie wrote me back!

Except, actually, it wasn't the Jennie I THOUGHT it was....

She wrote me that YES, of course she gives good head and I was so SILLY for not remembering that time on NEW YEAR'S!

THEN she asked me if I was still OBSESSED with Manet and if I still thought his art was "A window to truth..."

I told her "NO WAY Jennie, Manet's just like, an artist for BABIES!!"

Doesn't she even KNOW about Dash Snow!??!?!!

DUH!!!

Lollipop dance

2007-04-18T23:34:00.000-07:00

I ran into my brother's freind Dave and his pal Carlos at Rocky's Bar on Morris Park last night.

I dunno WHY Dave always gotta talk about that STUPID dance I used ta do when I was just like, a little kid!

I tried to avoid making eye contact with Dave, but he came RIGHT over, and he was like, "Yo Bort, do that LOLLIPOP DANCE you used to do! That dance makes me LAUGH and LAUGH!!"

I was all, "Yo Dave, I don't DO that dance anymore!! That's just like, a stupid little KID dance!"

But he was all, "NAH Bort, you GOTTA show my boy Carlos here dat dance! DAT dance is tha SHIT!"

THEN Dave started tellin' OTHER people at the bar about the dance, and pretty soon, EVERYONE was askin' me to do it!

I just wanted another DRINK, but when I axed Rocky for a whiskey, he WOULDN'T give it!

HE was all, "NO DRINKS until I see that LOLLIPOP DANCE."

I didn't want to do it, but I did....

I welcomed them ALL to MUNCHKIN LAND!!!

Jennie

2007-04-16T23:54:00.000-07:00

I don't remember this girl so well, but a coupla weeks ago I got an EMAIL from her telling me that she's had a SECRET for SEVEN YEARS:

She's COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH ME!!!

I wrote her RIGHT back when I was drunk, and asked her if she gave good head because I ONLY like girls who give good head...

She DIDN'T EVEN write me BACK!!!

Eric

2007-04-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

Everybody is always asking me, "Bort, why is Eric so FUCKING MEAN?"

I usually just say, "I don't even WANNA know!" and leave it at that.

But at that party we were at on Saturday, Eric just stood in the corner with Douchey Andy and Boring Peter making FUN of everyone ELSE at the party that couldn't grow a BEARD!

And Peter and Andy kept GIGGLING about it, even though they can't grow SHIT EITHER!

Finally, I walked right up to Eric and told him I thought it was SICK how he's had egg salad in his beard ALL NIGHT and that it's not even hip to have a beard these days ANYWAY so he should just go home and SHAVE.

He was all, "WHATEVER, BORT, at least I can even GROW a beard!!!"

Peter and Andy starting CRACKING UP at me like crazy when he said THAT!!!!

FINE, ERIC, we'll see what happens....

Miracle

2007-04-05T23:35:00.000-07:00

After the rats in the basement killed Snipples last year, we've had a family of MICE move right into our stove like they OWNED the place!!

I could hear 'em scratchin' around at ALL HOURS of the NIGHT.

ONE even ran RIGHT across my FOOT when I was cookin' muh BEANS!!!

So my DAD got two NEW cats. We called 'em Snipples 2 and Sept. 11, hoping they would be LETHAL MOUSE KILLING MOTHER FUCKERS.

Too bad they din't do SHIT! They just fought amongst THEMSELVES like they was the HATFIELDS vs McCOYS!!

So I hadda take matters into muh OWN hands!

Yesterday, I set some MOUSE TRAPS.

Not the sticky kind...I got the SNAPPY kind!

THEN, while I was sleeping last night, I got WOKEN UP by a LOUD ***SNAP!****

I RAN downstairs to see what happened...

It was a FUCKING MIRACLE!!!!!

Sam and Pamimaninionarano

2007-04-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

Sam and Pamimaninionarano are the fucking happiest couple AROUND!

They're BOTH really nice too, but I think that makes it WORSE!

Every time I see them, I know I should feel happy for them, but it just reminds me of what my MOM is always telling me about myself: That I'm a pathetic LOSER!"

THAT makes me drink as MUCH as I possibly CAN.....WHOA BE IT to the consequences!

Last night we were all out drinking together, and I was sitting next to Pamimaninionarano and I was all drunk an' shit and I KNEW her boob was touching my arm but I DIDN'T MOVE!

And Sam was sitting across from me and telling me all about his new website or something but I couldn't pay him no mind NO HOW!!

I just kept thinking about how I was gonna get up and get another drink without everyone else seeing the BONER in my pants!!

Color TV

2007-03-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

Dad came home ALL EXCITED yesterday b/c he FINALLY got a COLOR TV.

SO WHAT DAD, we didn't give a SHIT!!

We were all too busy watching old SEINFELD episodes on YOUTUBE to care about dad's new toys.

He kept tryin' to show it OFF to us, but we were like, "WHATEVER dad, why don't you go watch some COMMERCIALS!"

THAT made dad STORM off in a FURY!

I think he's downstairs right now still trying to get the antenna to work...

Or whatever....

Marlene

2007-03-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

Marlene's MUCH nicer than her TWIN SISTER, Lurlene!

MARLENE showed me about FROGS and also how to cook MARSHMALLOWS on a stick and ALSO how to tell a louse from a chigger, but LURLENE wouldn't even give me the time of DAY when I asked her!

Guess what LURLENE, I don't need you or your watch anymore! MARLENE taught me how tell time by the position of the SUN!!

It's 4:10, FUCK YOU!!!!

Lunch Line

2007-03-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

We was on line fo' lunch at school yestuhday, and Bandeena was tellin' us ALLLL about her CRAYZEH RABBIT that EATS SHIT 'STEADA CARROTS!!

DAMN, dat rabbit musta been CRAYZEH!!!!

MAN, I wuz LAUGHIN' bout DAT 'til my STOMACH hurt, and I hadda BEND OVER it hurt so much an' when I DID I saw sho' nuff a bag a COKE onna FLOOR!

RIGHT ONNA SCHOOL LUNCH LINE!!

SHEET, I axed Roberta da LUNCH LADY 'bout dat coke an if it wuz herz or WHAT, but she said ta "PUT DAT SHIT AWAY I AIN'T SEEN DAT SHIT!!"

Well, DAMN, I din't know WHAT ta do, so I axed BANDEENA if she even WANTED dis BAG.

She tol' me "HELLLL NO! I AIN'T DOIN NO FLOOR COKE!"

NAH!!!!!!

Grandma Phyllis

2007-03-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

Grandma Phyllis ain't nothin' but a PISS-FACED PEEPEE MOUTH!

She TOLD us ALL about it last night!

Grandma was in her apartment on friday, and she was half-way through her morning coffee when her UTI kicked in, and she hadda PISS!!

But her toilet was BROKEN!!

SHE said she had NO CHOICE but to piss in her coffee cup, so she DID, then she put it on her kitchen table and FORGOT ABOUT IT!!!

Then LATER in the day, she FOUND her full cup of coffee and her table and DRANK IT!!

Halfway though her SECOND sip, she suddenly REMEBERED about that CUP and what happened in the MORNING!

Grandma couldn't HELP but GIGGLE when she told us "I DRANK MUH OWN PISS!!!"

Uncle Mike

2007-03-05T07:59:00.000-08:00

Uncle Mike was the COOLEST air force pilot EVER!!!

He flew like 4 TRILLION missions over Afghanistan after Sept. 11th, and he even KILLED Osama bin Laden!!!

AFTER that, he was ALL SET to return home a big WAR HERO, but then he hadda go to IRAQ!

He was flyin' ALL around Iraq killing TERRORISTS, until one day he saw SADDAM HUSSEIN runnin' around down there!!

He was ABOUT to drop a bomb on crazy ole' SADDAM, when outta NOWHERE Uncle Mike's PLANE got SHOT DOWN!!

Uncle Mike was a GENIUS pilot though...

He CRASH LANDED his plane right into SADDAM'S FACE!!!!!

Kim

2007-03-01T06:40:00.000-08:00

I keep dumping Kim and then showing up at her house all beat up and expecting her to nurse me back to health...

She always does!!

Except on SUNDAY, she wouldn't even let me IN, even though I got STABBED again!!!

I ain't heard shit from Kim this week but someone told me they saw her whispering something into a tree by some stupid waterfalls yesterday.

HAHA! I bet it was about ME!!!

Yoga

2007-02-27T13:26:00.000-08:00

I let my MOM borrow my camera last week so she could take it to her stupid YOGA class.

She never gave it back!

To tell you the truth, I forgot about it...

THEN, yesterday I went into her purse to get a condom, and my CAMERA was in there!!

I took it out and scrolled through the pictures, and I saw my Mom in a bunch of PERVERTED poses with these weird GUYS!!!

I ran to show my DAD, but he wasn't even HOME!!!

HE'S prally still at the BAR, wasting ALL his $$$$$ on BOOZE!!!!

Matt

2007-02-22T04:09:00.000-08:00

I saw Matt yesterday.

BOY-O I haven't seen him for a LONG time!

He has a SICK goatee now, and he STILL calls me by my OLD nickname: Borty.

I told him firmly that I'm JUST Bort now...Borty is like, just a little KID'S name!

He said he was sorry but I KNOW he didn't mean it!

Rory

2007-02-16T09:38:00.000-08:00

I dunno WHAT'S with that guy, RORY...

HE'S always talking about how global warming is a LOAD of HOUEEY!!!

I don't really know much about that SCIENCE stuff...

I mean, it WAS really WARM outside back in January, but TUESDAY it SNOWED!!!

Willie

2007-02-15T01:47:00.000-08:00

My cousin Willie is the MAN!

He got SECOND PRIZE in the school INVENTION CONVENTION!!

He spent weeks working on his INVENTION, which was pretty much the COOLEST thing ANYONE EVER INVENTED.

It was called WILLIE'S CLOTHES ORGANIZER, and it was the BEST laundry basket I ever SEEN!!

It doesn't even MATTER that STUPID MARJORIE got FIRST PLACE with her AUTOMATIC NAIL CLIPPER...

HAHA! She can't even CELEBRATE b/c her DAD DIED!!!

Ndugo and Flemens

2007-02-08T03:45:00.000-08:00

Ndugo and Flemens used to hang out together ALL the TIME...

Until Flemens started smoking WEED!

Ndugo said his MOM would be FURIOUS with him if she ever caught him on the pot, so he felt like he couldn't ROLL with Flemens no more...

But he didn't have the heart to tell him that they couldn't hang out because of DRUGS.

So he asked ME to tell Flemens!!

I said NO WAY at first, but then Ndugo gave me a signed 1984 Rollie Fingers card!!

I went up to Flemens during recess and I started to explain about Ndugo and pot, but SUDDENLY Flemens asked me if I wanted to go by the swings and smoke some AFGHANI HYDRO!!!

HOLY BAJESUS!! We got STONED as FUCK AND discussed ARCHITECTURE for like a TRILLION hours!!!

Now FLEMENS is my BEST FRIEND, and Mike is #2 and LOSER Soon Yeon is #3!!

Birthday

2007-02-07T02:56:00.000-08:00

Last night we went to a GREAT restaurant in MANHATTAN for my BEST friend Soon Yeon's Birthday party.

I ate the most delicious cummy soup!

Before dinner, I had spent MOST of the day yesterday shopping for a RADICOOL b-day present for Soon, and I finally found the BESTEST one at Spencer Gifts...

A KUNG-FU HAMSTER!

Ole' Soony was SUPER excited to get the BEST PRESENT EVER from ME, and everyone DEFINITELY agreed it was amazing, especially when it played a FUCKING COOL KUNG-FU SONG and spun its NUNCHUCKS AROUND!!!

He SEEMED so HAPPY about the present that I gave him with wholesome LOVE from my heart...

Can you believe that JERKFACE JERK FORGOT IT AT THE RESTAURANT?!??!!?!?

Soon Yeon AIN'T my BEST friend NO MORE!!!!

HE's now my SECOND best friend, AFTER MIKE...

Stairway

2007-02-06T00:16:00.000-08:00

I met Renee at a party a couple weeks ago, and last week she called me outta the blue!

SHE wanted to know if I would come over to her house for a TV WATCHING party on Saturday night to check out some episiodes of 24 with her and some of her friends.

I thought maybe she LIKE LIKED me, so I was a little NERVOUS, but I agreed.

I decided to be FASHIONABLY late by six minutes, but when I got there I was STILL the first to ARRIVE!

THEN she told me that ALL her friends CANCELLED and it was just gonna be me and her, and ALSO she couldn't find the episodes of "24" she wanted at the video store and did I feel like drinking some whiskey?

WHISKEY!!!!!

We sat down on her couch and drank for a while, and I was beginning to feel a little BUZZED, when I noticed that Renee was startin' to get all HEATED UP and SQUIRMY SEEMING and THEN she put on STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN!!!

I told her to "TURN IT OFF!!! I WON'T listen to STAIRWAY with YOU, RENEE!!"

She asked me why and I told her it was SECRET and that I hadda GO!

THEN I LEFT!!!

Ducky

2007-02-01T00:44:00.000-08:00

Me and my sister was playin' POWER RANGERS: MYSTIC FORCE and she woulda gotten DESTROYED if Uncle DUCKFACE hadn't shown up and KNOCKED me down with a ZEN ATTACK!

I told Uncle DUCKY he couldn't DEFEAT my STAR WARS powers and then I challenged him to a LIGHT SABER DUEL!!!

He took me up on THAT challenge, and THEN he KNOCKED my light saber outta my HAND and then KNOCKED me down AGAIN with ANOTHER ZEN ATTACK!!

I told him he was a DUCKY DUCKFACE and then I tried to LIGHT SABER him AGAIN!!

HE KNOCKED my light saber outta my HAND AGAIN and then KNOCKED me down AGAIN with ANOTHER ZEN ATTACK!!

I axed him why SUCH A DUCKY DUCKFACE was SCARED of POWER RANGERS: MYSTIC FORCE, and THEN I tried to LIGHT SABER him AGAIN!!

He GRABBED my light saber outta my HAND AGAIN and THREW it across the ROOM and then KNOCKED me down AGAIN with ANOTHER ZEN ATTACK!!

THEN he told me to "Go bother your Uncle Eddie!"

THEN HE FELL ASLEEP!!!!

Euphrasia

2007-01-30T00:03:00.000-08:00

Shit I hadda work SOOO MUCH last week I didn't even have a chance to THINK!!

Friday was the WORST, though, I stayed up ALL NIGHT cleaning out the walk in fridge and dry goods closet so's our restaurant could be ready for the NYC health inspector on Saturday.

MAN OH MAN, by the time Sat. NIGHT rolled up, I was ready to PARTY!!!

My friends and I decided we would get WASTED at my friend Paul's house and then maybe go out to a COOL party if anybody heard about one.

I got to Paul's early and I was ready to DRINK, but he forgot to steal the Canadian Club from his older brother so we had NO BOOZE!

We called our friend Loren and told him to see if he could score us some acid on his way over. He said he would TRY.

That LOSER showed up without it!!

We were running out of options and also it was SUPER COLD outside and nobody had gotten any calls about AWESOME parties nearby and everyone was getting to be in a BAD MOOD.

Suddenly, I got an IDEA! I ran into Paul's little sister's room (she was sleeping I think) and started taking her clothes out of her drawers and trying them on!

Finally I found her AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL pink leotard and then her SPECIAL PRINCESS tiara on put them on!

I ran out into the kitchen and announced that I was EUPHRASIA, the QUEEN OF THE KITCHEN and that ALL PRESENT MUST DO MY ROYAL BIDDING OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES: A KARATE TO THE FACE!!!!

I then ordered EVERYONE to SUCK MAH BALLS!!!

Warren

2007-01-25T00:03:00.000-08:00

I dunno WHY Aunty Edith had to invite her new BOYFRIEND to Baskin Robbins with us...

It was SUPPOSED to be just ME and AUNTY!!!

HE always tries to pretend he's COOL by tryin' to talk about karate or comics with me, but he ain't never even READ X-Men he just saw X2 and he STILL can't even pronounce Magneto right!!

Once I axed Aunty why she even LIKES Warren and her answer was that she thinks he looks JUST like Christian Bale...

YEAH...If Christian Bale was OLD and RETARDED!!!

Ricky

2007-01-22T00:34:00.000-08:00

Ricky was my roomate at the Bronx Community College summer art program last year.

BOY, did he LOVE to talk about all those times he got his PENIS TOUCHED!

When I FIRST met him, we started talking about what kind of music we were into and stuff and I was tellin' him all about Kelis and how cool she is!!

He tol' me Kelis is for SUCKAS who don' know SHIT and that he ONLY likes music you can MAKE LOVE to ...

SASPARILLA!! I knew EXACTLY what he meant by THAT!!!

My MOM'S friends

2007-01-19T00:02:00.000-08:00

Uhhhhhhhh, my MOM dragged me out to dinner with some of her FRIENDS last night...

THEY think they're soooo COOL, but they're NOT!

I even wore my NICEST suit so they'd be IMPRESSED, but they don't even KNOW who Pierre Cardin IS!!

So I just tried to IGNORE them and my Uncle Charlie was there too, so I was playing around with HIM for a while, which was OK until I bent down to try and pick him up!

My FANCY PANTS SPLIT right up my ASS CRACK!

My Mom's JERK friends started LAUGHING AT ME 'cause they could see my TIGHTY WHITIES!

I told them they should "SHUTUP!! STOP LAUGHING AT MY ASS!"

They DIDN'T!!!

Christopher

2007-01-17T01:42:00.000-08:00

I dunno WHAT is wrong with my friend Chris.

He ALWAYS stays up ALL NIGHT!

I told him its REALLY unhealthy to sleep through the ENTIRE day and never see the SUN, but he doesn't give a SHIT!

He ain't gettin' NONE of his VITAMIN D!!

Everytime I tell him about THAT and how he should wake up in the MORNING like a NORMAL person, he's all, "SHUTUP BORT! I HATE VITAMIN D and I HATE YOU!!!"

OKAAAY....GRUMPY McGRUMPUS!!!

Surge

2007-01-15T23:54:00.000-08:00

HAHA! Some kids in my class got sent to IRAQ!!

I heard that Melissa PISSED her pants in GYM CLASS when she found out SHE was goin' over THERE!

Quinetta tol' me that Melissa was cryin' about pissin' her PANTS like a BABY!

I STARTED to feel bad for her, until Quinetta ALSO tol' me that PISSY pants Melissa put ME down in her SLAM BOOK under the "WEIRDEST" category!

WHATEVER!!!

I AIN'T as WEIRD as that JERK MARJORIE!!!!

Andy

2007-01-14T23:26:00.000-08:00

Me and Andy couldn't figger out WHAT to do last night, until he told me about how we could TRIP our ASSES OFF by smoking TOOTHPASTE!!

We went down to his basement and made a tinfoil pipe. Then we smeared some Crest in there and lit it up!

HOLY COW I thought I was gonna DIE when I smoked that shit!

Pretty soon we BOTH felt a little WEIRD, and then Andy FELL OVER!

We both laughed and laughed about THAT for a while, and THEN Andy decided we hadda watch the Doors.

About a half an hour into the movie, Andy got even WEIRDER and started talking about how he WAS JIM MORRISON in his former life and then he GRABBED ME and said, "Bort, you'll NEVER understand what it's like to be the LIZARD KING!!!!"

I told him that he's sure as SHIT wrong about THAT!!!

I WAS THE LIZARD KING IN A FORMER LIFE NOT YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!

Dinner

2007-01-09T22:54:00.000-08:00

We went OUT to eat dinner last night.

MAN ALIVE whatta mistake THAT was!!!

We went to this WEIRD restaurant nearby, and I ordered the ravioli, even though I secretly wanted a big juicy CHEESEBURGER .

I didn't want everyone to think I was a FATTY!

Well, let me tell YOU, when my ravioli come, it looked like SHIT! It had weird boiled CARROTS on top of it, and when I saw THAT, I told my dad that didn't even WANT IT!!

He told me I'd "GODDAMNED BETTER EAT THEM FUCKING CARROTS AND RAVIOLI OR NO COMPUTER FOR 24 HOURS!!!"

I told him I'd eat it but I'd "PRALLY PUKE IT ALL UP LATER!!"

I grabbed my fork and started to STAB at them carrots and raviolis, and my dad got all MAD and he hit my elbow with a FURY!! My fork FLEW outta my hand and HIT my GRANDMA'S WINE GLASS and her red wine SPILLED ALL OVER HER!

HAHA! EVERYONE started laughing at stupid Grandma and her messy clothes!!!

BFF

2007-01-08T21:55:00.000-08:00

My Great Aunt Penelope is always talking SHIT about her best friend, Agnes.

SHE'S all, "Agnes is soooooo inhospitable!!!"

I think ole' Aunt P is wrong about Agnes, though. She's always nice to me!!

One time, she served me a cup of delicious peppermint tea, and told me ALL about her time hiding from the Nazis in a SEWER in Amsterdam during WWII...

Her whole family was killed, and she stayed down there in that sewer for SEVEN MONTHS and hadda eat RATS just to survive!

THEN later on in the war she joined the resistance and helped to blow up a Nazi munitions train!!!

Later, I told Aunt P about Agnes and her story, she stopped what she was doing and looked right at me.

Then she asked, "Did she offer you anything with your tea? Even something so simple as a CRACKER?"

NO!!! Not even a CRACKER!!!!

Warm!!

2007-01-07T21:58:00.000-08:00

Boy-O!!! It sure was WARM this weekend!

I decided to go down to the Bronx River on saturday to catch some rays and also to check out the LADIES...

When I got there, I saw my cousin Daleesha and her friends and they was dancin' around and havin' a GREAT TIME!

I went over there and started showin' them some of my KRUMP moves, and they was almost BLINDED by my SKILLZ.

I even took my SHIRT off!

I was krumpin' so fast and hard, I didn't notice the S. 2nd street gang roll up behind me....

I don't know why, but they started calling me BATMAN BOOTS!

They were cracking up and pointing at me like I was some kind of NERDY WHITE GUY!!

HAHA!! I showed THEM!

I told them that my black and purple sneakers had "NOTHING TO DO with Batman, DUDES! My Hi-Tops are FUCKING A for AWESOME!!!!"

They ALL FELL RIGHT TO THE GROUND when I said THAT!!!

New Years

2007-01-03T22:58:00.000-08:00

HOLY MACARONI!! Whatta NEW YEARS it was!!

We stayed completely SOBER and played scrabble ALL NIGHT!

JKJK......

We got totally ZONKED on booze and on the poot .

Esther and Maurice even brought some COKE with them and THEY was standing on the TOILET doin' it off the bathroom SHELF!!

I did some, too...

But YO!! You shoulda seen Naomi!!

SHE smoked WAAAY too much pot and drank WAAAAY too much champaigne, but after I tol' her ALL about the history of Venetian glass blowing and its relationship to the local families of Murano Island, pretty soon she was ready for me to take her back to MY PLACE to touch BOOBIES!!!

FINALLY we got home, and I got Naomi into bed, but she wasn't lookin' so good!

She started PUKING onto my FLOOR, and I could see a PUKE RIVER flowing past my bed down the floor.

I din't even CARE!!

I rolled her OVER and slipped her the TONGUE!!

After THAT, she even touched me on my PRIVATES!!!!

a little.....

Scanner

2007-01-03T22:24:00.000-08:00

Last week me and my friends did something crazy!

We found my MOM's old photo albums and started SCANNING them into the computer!

THEN we put 'em up on the internet and made up a bunch of CRAZY SHIT about her!!

HAHA!! I sent THAT website to my ENTIRE SCHOOL!!!

But THEN my STUPID cousin Richie TOLD my MOM, and that BITCH took my SCANNER AWAY!!!

I couldn't FIND it for FOUR DAYS!!!

YES!!! Today I FINALLY found it! It was HIDDEN in my DAD's closet, behind his CHICKEN collection!!

Aunt Trish

2006-12-29T00:18:00.000-08:00

I been tryin' to lay REAL low since Xmas, mostly keeping to my room and only sneaking out to go to work or to watch some TV.

But my old spinster Aunt Trish has been staying with us, and SHE usually stays up until like 4AM just like me!

Last night I was trying to SNEAK down to the kitchen to make myself a delicious toasted cheese bread snack with LOTS of GARLIC, when outta the DARKNESS, wEiRd ol' Aunt Trish snuck up on me!!

She started TELLIN' me that she "knows ALLLL about Santa's HELPIN' you with yer Xmas present, and hows ya can be sure as SHIT ya would NEVER have lost yer **V** without KRIS KRINGLE on yer SIDE!!!"

I tol' her to "SHUTUP AUNTY I don' need RELATIONSHIP advice from NOBODY SPESHULLY NOT YOU! YOU'RE LONELY AND OLD!!!"

THEN she started CRYING and making me feel GUILTY and shit, and I hadda apologize and she made me ADMIT I was being a total JERK...

HAHA!! Better than being LONELY AND OLD!!!!!

A Very Special Gift

2006-12-27T21:03:00.000-08:00

Holy SHIT!

Santa got me the COOLEST Christmas present EVER!!!

VAGINA!!!!

I STARTED OUT all bummed out on Xmas MORNING, because I was hoping like crazy to get a Radio Flyer Wagon from Santa and instead all I got were some LOTTERY tickets in my stocking and a vague note that read,

HO! Ho! HO!, Bort!
TONIGHT the TRUE Spirit of Christmas shall visit YOU!!
-S.

I had no idea what THAT meant, and since it was in my DAD's handwriting, I thought he was gonna take us out to a CRAPPY Xmas dinner again...

He DID!!

We ended up at a chinee foo restaurant...it was the ONLY place open in town.

After dinner, we all scratched the lottery tickets that Santa left in our stockings, and everyone won a dollar...EXCEPT ME!

I went straight to the bar after dinner and drank as much as I could.

THEN outta nowhere this hot Australian GIRL started TALKING to me!

Pretty soon we were MAKING OUT at the bar, and somehow by the good grace of the LORD, I got her to come back to the BRONX with me!

Later, as I was pulling her pants off, I gave a quick glance skyward and winked at my good pal Santa...

HO! HO! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Presents!

2006-12-26T23:03:00.000-08:00

Last Christmas, I got my brother an AWESOME game for Playstation 2, but I FORGOT to give it to him!

I FOUND it in an envelope back in October, and I figgered I could just re-gift it to him THIS Christmas.

I wrapped it up REAL NICE, and gave it to him on Christmas morning.

When he opened it, he seemed KIND of happy at FIRST, but then he got all ORNERY and he told me he doesn't even HAVE Playstation, he has XBOX...

WHATEVER!! He got me a STUPID TRAVEL ALARM CLOCK for like the TRILLIONTH year in a ROW!!!

Xmas Shopping

2006-12-20T22:08:00.000-08:00

I USUALLY make POTHOLDERS for Xmas gifts, but this year I decided to do something DIFFERENT...

SPEND $$$$$$$!!!

Me and my friend Nat decided to take the subway into the city to go XMAS SHOPPING! We looked at stuff, held hands, sang songs, and kicked GARBAGE TOO!

We were having a GREAT TIME, until Nat saw something he REALLY WANTED.

He axed ME if I would get it for him, but it was like A HUNDRED DOLLARS!

I told him he'd have to at least give me a BLOW JOB if he wanted THAT!

He said, "NO WAY!!!"

FINE!!!!

Santa

2006-12-19T22:29:00.000-08:00

My mom took us to the MALL yesterday so's we could tell SANTA what we wanted for XMAS!!

HAHA! My brother Chris was super NAUGHTY this year, so he didn't get to ask Santa for SHIT!

The line TOOK FOREVER, and me and my sister were super BORED waiting!

SHE kept saying "BORING!! BOOOORING!!! BOOORRRINGG!!!"

"BOOOOOOOORRRRRIIIINNGGGGG!!!!!"

My Mom started to FREAK OUT about how ANNOYING my sister was becoming, and she told her she'd "better NOT use that FUCKING ANNOYING WORD AGAIN OR YOU'LL GET SLAPPED UPSIDE YOUR FUCKING HEAD!!"

My sister started to get all ANGRY, and she started saying "OOORRINGBAY! OOOOORINGBAY! OOORRINGBAY!!!"

Mommy got REAL QUIET for a second, THEN she gave Laura a SHOT OF KARATE to the FACE!!!

Laura started CRYING and then SHE was like, "FUCK YOU MOMMY! FUCK YOU!!! SANTA ain't gonna give you NUTHIN' but a lump of COAL!!!!"

Wedding

2006-12-18T21:49:00.000-08:00

HAHA! I'm back in the BRONX!

My last two days in Florida were only SLIGHTLY neato.

I hadda go to my COUSIN's wedding on saturday... The Priest talked for like an HOUR!!

It was a LITTLE boring to be in CHURCH for so long, but before I knew it, I was at the place where the REAL FUN happens!

The RECEPTION!!!

I got drunk pretty quickly and started dancing up a STORM, until my cousin's friend started trying to HIT ON ME!!!

I kept trying to get away from her, but she wouldn't give up!!

She tried to grab my LEG when I wasn't LOOKING, and I accidentally KICKED HER in the STOMACH!!!

HOLY SHIT! She FELL right on TOP of my GRANDMA!!!!

Orlando

2006-12-14T10:13:00.000-08:00

Wowie!! I LEFT Miami yesterday and now I'm staying at my cousin's house in Orlando!

You know what THAT MEANS???!!?

MGM STUDIOS!!!

I went there TODAY with my friend Allen that I met at the McDonald's International Covention in Miami.

He LOVES Batman, so when we actally SAW Batman WITH the REAL BATMOBILE, we were fucking PSYCHED!!!

We RAN over to him and started askin' him about what it was like to fight the JOKER and about him and ROBIN and stuff and then ALLEN was ALL ABOUT takin' some pictures WITH Batman.

Batman got a little WEIRD about it though!

He kept askin' about if we liked WORKIN' OUT and about how STRONG we were and would we MIND takin' our shirts off for the picture?

Allen didn't even THINK about it! He took his shirt right OFF and got UP on the Batmobile and started POSIN' all crazy!

I TOLD him to WATCH OUT, he might get a SUNBURN!!!

Hotel

2006-12-13T12:30:00.000-08:00

Man even though it's KIND OF fun here, my hotel is SHITTY!!

The hallway smells like CHEESE, and my room smells WORSE, like cheese PLUS 60 years of CIGARETTE SMOKE covered up with VaNiLLA AiR FreShEnER!!

THAT'S why I've spent as much time as I can at either the McDonald's Convention OR in the OCEAN, where I've been doing my ASS therapy.

I read on the INTERNET that the BEST cure for my itchy anus is SOAKING it for hours in the COOLING POWERS of WATER!!

OUCH McGROUCH! I didn't know the ocean was FILLED with SALT!!

It went RIGHT UP my ASS CRACK and BURNED IT like the FIERY PITS of HELL!!!

Kathy

2006-12-12T13:03:00.000-08:00

Kathy works at the FAMOUS McDonald's in Toledo, Ohio.

SHE'S been to Miami for a FULL 72 HOURS, so she knows all the COOL spots around here and yesterday she TOLD me she'd take me to the BEST ones...

Now she AIN'T GONNA!!

This MORNING Kathy was sittin' PRETTY on the beach and I threw a jellyfish at her, and ALL the TENTICLES hit her right on her BOOBS!!

THEN she COLLAPSED and was PARALYZED for like FOUR MINUTES!!!

I told her like a BILLION TIMES I was SORRY as SHIT, but she STILL don't believe me AT ALL!!

Miami

2006-12-11T12:44:00.000-08:00

Holy COW!!

I'm in MIAMI! It's VERY FANCY down here!

The McDonald's International was pretty NEAT! I met Mcdonald's workers from ALL OVER, even from AFRICA!!!

Friday we were all so tired from walking around the convention center that we decided to stay up ALL NIGHT DRINKING!

We all drank as much as we could, then we decided to go SKINNY DIPPING in the hotel pool. It was pretty fun, until one of the hotel workers told us "YOU MUTHERFUCKERS GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!"

Then he started throwing ROCKS at US!! I wanted to get my clothes on and run away, but he was standing on my underwear so I swam away from him so's I wouldn't get hit by ROCKS.

THEN he went to get the POLICE!

HOLY SHIT we DID get the fuck outta there!!

And found some more booze!

The next thing I knew it was the NEXT DAY!!!

HAHA STEVEN! It's ME!!!!!!

2006-12-06T13:49:00.000-08:00

omgomgomgomgomgOMG OMG!!!

I WON!!!! I got picked out of ALL my co-workers to represent our restaurant at the annual McDonald's International Convention in MIAMI BEACH, FLORIDA!!!!!

Both Steven and my MOM told me they were SURE that THEY were gonna go, but it's not EITHER of THOSE losers, it's me me ME!!!!!

I TOLD everyone at work I'd be THINKING of THEM while I'm at the BEACH or CHATTING it UP with RAY KROC(o' SHIT!!) in Miami this weekend...

HAHA!! I was LYIN' LIKE KraYZeE when I said THAT!!!

Uncle Corky

2006-12-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

I got a phone call a couple years ago and a man kept askin' me about my PENIS and stuff and it made me feel REAL WEIRD.

I thought it was my Uncle Corky.

Turned out it WASN'T!!!

The REAL Corky wasn't interested in my penis AT ALL! He was MARRIED to Aunt Pauline!!!

Still, I always had weird feelings about him after THAT.

Eventually, Pauline left him for some reason...(NOT because of penis phone calls!!)

He didn't need PAULINE though, he got his OWN apartment in MANHATTAN!

LAST WEEK, my Mom called me and told me that they found Uncle Corky dead in there...

I prally should care MORE, but he wasn't even my REAL UNCLE, he was just my DAD's FRIEND or SOMETHIN'!!!

FOOR YU!!!

2006-12-03T23:22:00.000-08:00

HaHaa!

I'm drunk right NOW!!

I don't even CARE!

I made this drawing for AAna to let her know EXACTLY how I feel!

I spent like 3 WEEKS working out the compositooin. I hope ANNA figgers out eXcatly what im THINKIGN these days/!

HAHAAH Anmsa YOU GWET DICK!!!!

Darnell

2006-11-30T10:53:00.000-08:00

Forget Anna!

I went out on a DATE last night!

We went to see that FUNNY Jonathan Ames...

EVERYONE laughed when he interviewed a guy from the audience and made him wear a MANGINA HELMET!!

Except me!!

I was in the bathroom BLOWING DIARREAH OUTTA MY STILL SORE ASS!

I started to panic so I sent my friend Darnell a text message and told him I had DIARREAH on my DATE!

He told me to "Get the FUCK outta the BATHROOM, LOSER!!!"

Concert

2006-11-27T21:50:00.000-08:00

Me and my friend Kirsten went to that Joanna Newsom concert last week.

It was KIND of fun moshin' AROUND and shit, until somebody stuck their FINGER up my ASS!

It tore right through my PANTS!!!

I looked EVERYWHERE to see WHO done THAT to me, but I couldn't figger it out NONE!!

THEN I saw KIRSTEN LAUGHING her FAT ASS OFF!!!

I tol' her to "LOOK BITCH! YOUR FINGER IS COVERED IN MY ASS BLOOD!!!!"

She done cracked my HEMMORHOID WIDE OPEN!!!

Uncle Charlie

2006-11-26T21:48:00.000-08:00

UHHHH!! Thanksgiving is sooooo ANNOYING!

I had to sit at the KIDS table again, THIS time next to my weird Uncle, Charlie...

My Aunt Rosalie kept tryin' to feed him her delicious YAMS, but Uncle Charlie is too dumb to even know how to EAT!!!

He kept MISSING his MOUTH and he smeared them YAMS all over his STUPID FACE!!!!!

Drunk Storm

2006-11-22T22:10:00.000-08:00

I had a LONG day at work yesterday!

On my way home, I called up my friends Mary, Steve, and Numb Nuts Chuck, and told them there was a DRUNK STORM COMING, they'd better take SHELTER!!!

We took a subway to a bar in Mott Haven, and proceeded to drink as much as we could as fast as we could...WITH STRAWS~!!!!

Then N.N.Chuck took me into the bathroom and we did a bump of COKE.

When we came outta there nobody could STOP me from drawing as many PARALLELS as I WANTED between Iraq and VIETNAM!!!

Around 3 AM it was time to go home, and I thought of the GENIUS idea of BRINGIN' my LAST BEER with me in the cab ride HOME!

HAHA! I drank some in the CAR!!!

When we pulled up in front of my house, I put my beer down on the seat so's I could get my money out.

It FELL OVER and SPILLED all over the SEAT!!!

The cab driver turned around and started YELLING AT ME LIKE CRAZY!!! He told me I was "YOU FUCKING GUY!!!"

I gave him TEN BUCKS and got outta the cab and RAN down the Street!

HAHA!!! I bought ANOTHER BEER at the GAS STATION!!!!

The Nelsons

2006-11-20T22:52:00.000-08:00

We saw the Nelsons this weekend...

I dunno why my Mom likes them so much!

Their daughter Tina is OKAY...I GUESS, but MAN OH MAN don't let MISTER NELSON corner you!

He got me TRAPPED in a corner the other night, and MADE me listen to this STUPID story that "His BEAUTIFUL Tina ALWAYS used to make him tell her... The Story of BUCKY the BUCKET!"

Holy SHIT, he told me about that LAME bucket and its crappy adventures for like TWO HOURS!!

It was the WORST MOST BORING STORY I EVER HEARD!!!

Later on that night, I was TRYIN' to Jerk off about TINA, but I COULDN'T!

I kept imagining Ole' Mister Nelson trying to FUCK HIS WIFE!!!

Roast

2006-11-19T21:57:00.001-08:00

We decided to kill our pet pig Squeely on Saturday and EAT HER!!

Everyone was SUPER hungover after hanging out at the bar on friday, so we were all craving some GREASY pork!

We thought we were gonna get to eat that shit for BREAKFAST but it took all GODDAMNED DAY to cook Squeely, even though we stuffed an APPLE in her mouth to keep the heat inside...

She was FINALLY ready to eat in the early evening... WE were FUCKING STARVING!

THEN my Anty Edna came outta NOWHERE and started bitchin' about how the Muslim Goat Lord would not approve of eating that FILTHY SWINE!!

I tore off a piece of Squeely's ASS and threw it at Aunty!! It hit her right in the EYE!

SHE sure SHUTUP after THAT!!!

Karate

2006-11-15T22:16:00.000-08:00

Johnny and his friends was giving this cute girl a HARD TIME over on PEARSALL AVE. the other day.

Too bad for THEM I was THERE!!!

I told Johnny to leave her alone or I would show him a few HARSH MOVES...

He looked at me straight in the eyes... THEN HE KICKED MY ASS!!!

Man ALIVE, I felt pretty AWFUL after that...

Until I found an old Japanese man in the shed out back behind my house who knew KARATE.

FINALLY, I would learn to master that ANCIENT MARTIAL ART!!!

It wasn't easy though...

He made me do all sorts of ANNOYING STUFF before he would teach me anything!

First, I had to wear a FAKE MOUSTACHE for a week.... Then I hadda MEMORIZE THE FUCKING DICTIONARY!!

THEN he made me drink a WHOLE BOTTLE of JAGER and whistle the RACH 3!!!

I THREW UP!!!

Finally I got FED UP and asked him STRAIGHT UP, "YO BITCH, WHEN AM I GONNA LEARN SOME KARATE?!?!?!

He told me "when I PAY HIM 50 BUCKS!!!!"

I didn't HAVE 50 bucks, so I watched a couple Karate Movies on youtube to teach myself a few MORE moves, then I entered into the ALL VALLEY TOURNAMENT to rematch with Johnny.

On tournament day, I had my chance.....I met Johnny in the center ring.

He KICKED my ass AGAIN, THEN HE FUCKED IT!!!!!!

Da KREW

2006-11-14T22:29:00.000-08:00

The janatorial crew at the Mcdonald's where I work
is DA BOMB!

EXCEPT for BOB!!

HE'S always giving everyone a HARD TIME about tucking in their SHIRTS, tying their SHOES, or even about COMBING THEIR HAIR!!!

ONE night, we wuz all hangin' out a little late after work, and BOB started YELLING at Leroy about listening to his WALKMAN
on the job.

Leroy was like, "FUCK DAT SHIT, this right here is a IPOD!!"

BOB grumbled a little, then he went into the bathroom...

I went and told Leroy that I had my SUPERSOAKER with me.

Then RALPH tol' me to get dat SHIT!!

I did, and the WHOLE CREW got behind me and we went into the bathroom.

BOB was in a stall POUNDIN' HIS PUD!!!

Leroy grabbed the gun outta my hands and KICKED the stall door OPEN.

Bob yelled, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Leroy didn't listen!

HE BLASTED BOB DIRECTLY IN HIS LITTLE WHITE NUTS!!!!!

Jessica

2006-11-13T21:19:00.000-08:00

I went to my Sister's birthday party on Saturday night.

It was in Manhattan...VERY FANCY!!!

I hung out with my Sis' and her pals for a while...then my sister introduced me to her CO-WORKER, Jessica.

Jessica seemed nice and all..I axed her about how she liked working with my sister and she said it was ok. Then she axed ME about my job, and I told her IT was ok!!

I talked to her for a WHILE even though she was hitting the VODKA pretty hard and didn't make mush sense...

After a few MORE drinks, her boyfriend told her he wanted to LEAVE.

She leaned over and told me to KISS her!

I DID!!!

THEN her bf got all MAD and LEFT! She went after him, but THEN she came BACK!

We MADE OUT for the rest of the night!

I wasn't THAT into it though...

Her mouth tasted like a FUCKING ASHTRAY!!!!!!!

Dogina

2006-11-09T21:48:00.000-08:00

I was sittin at my desk working on a SWEET drawing when outta NOWHERE my dog came into the room!

She SEEMED like she wanted me to pet her, but I told her to stop her shenanigans and go back to SLEEP.

She DID!!!

A little while l8r I got up to see if there were any FrUit RoLL-uPs left in the cupboard, when I noticed some WET SPOTS on the FLOOR~!

In fact, there was a WHOLE TRAIL of wet spots that led right to my DOG!

That BITCH is house trained, so THAT means those wet spots could only mean ONE thing...

She has a LEAKY DOGINA!!!

I ran upstairs to my Grannie's room and looked through ALL her drawers until I found her DEPENDS.

I grabbed one and ran back downstairs and found my dog and put it over her BUTT.

She TRIED to get it off, you can be SURE AS SHIT that I TAPED it on REAL GOOD!!!!

Gavin

2006-11-08T21:22:00.000-08:00

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS! We had ELECTION DAY off from school!

I stayed in my room and played video games all morning, but after a WHILE I started to get BORED so I decided to try something my friend Gavin told me about.

He told it was AMAZING to tear a HOLE in my pillow and FUCK IT!!

I grabbed my pillow, pulled the pillowcase off and tore a HOLE in the end of it.

I stuck myself in there and started HUMPING my PILLOW!!

I pulled out and noticed I had a bunch of STUFFING stuck onto my whanger, so I ran to the bathroom and WASHED it.

I went back and started humping again. It was kinda WET in there, and it started to HURT, but I kept going and going.

I think my dick was COVERED in stuffing but I humped and humped and it HURT and HURT but eventually I BLEW MY LOAD!

I ran to the bathroom to wash off and my penis was all RED and stuffing was GLUED to it!

I tried to PISS and it KILLED so I washed it off again and then I went to play more video games and tried not to think about why it HURT so much!

Today at school during recess I told Gavin about how I took his PILLOW HUMPING advice and what happened and how my DICK was all red and SORE.

He told me I was FUCKING RETARDED!!!

Anna and Michael

2006-11-07T22:06:00.000-08:00

Anna decided that that ASSHOLE Michael was COOLER than ME!

Now the two of THEM hang out all the time, and they don't give a shit about anyone ELSE!

HAHA, guess what?

SHE doesn't know about all his OTHER girlfriends!!!

The EAR

2006-11-02T21:11:00.000-08:00

There's this guy that lives below us, and he's REAL snoopy.

He seems to know EVERYTHING we do!

My MOM calls him "The EAR" or sometimes "THE FUCKING EAR!!" even though his REAL name is Raymond.

SHE thinks he gives her DIRTY LOOKS like he knows she had SEX the night before or something, and that ONCE he did something SICK with his tongue as she walked out of our building like he somehow KNEW my dad was eating her OUT just a half-hour before that!

I never really believed that stuff about Raymond. I just thought he was some kind of weird LOSER!

The other day though, I SNEEZED in my room, and right after that I got a text message from Raymond.

It said, "God Bless you, ASSHOLE!!!"

Dance Party!!!

2006-11-01T20:22:00.000-08:00

Yeah! As soon as we all learned about how RED WINE is GOOD for you, we got FUCKING WASTED!!!

It was SUPPOSED to be a BIRTHDAY party for our friend Adeojo, but after a few BOTTLES o' WINE noone gave a SHIT!

I axed Hasina if she would show me a few dance moves and pretty soon we was BUMPIN'n GRINDIN'!!!

Darlonna was gettin' MAD jealous a THAT, and she PULLED muh ass AWAY so's she could have a dance partner fo' huhself!

While we was dancin' I told her all about how I was READIN' TOLSTOY lately and what wuz her impressions of 'dem Napoleonic Wars if she HAD some anyway whatever.

SHE was all, yo bitch, ain't NOBODY NEVUH should be invadin' no RUSSIA in no WINTUH..."

We danced and DANCED and talked and talked about Napolean and his folly.

Darlonna talked A LOT more than I 'SPECTED, and told me ALL about some more shit about some SHIT.

After a while though I wasn't LISTENIN' NO MORE!!

I kept lookin' at her wine stained LIPS and thinkin' bout how nice they would be wrapped around my PENIS!!

WAR

2006-10-30T18:58:00.000-08:00

Hey, remember when we were having a WAR in Iraq?

So much SHIT blew up over THERE!!!

I remember THAT KraYZeE war like it was YESTERDAY!

I ALSO remember my friend Zeke ALWAYS talking about HIS time in Iraq.

He ALWAYS used to BORE everyone to death with his stupid stories about all the crazy stuff he did in the Desert...

One night he tried to convince our friend Dan that he had to SLIT some BITCHES' THROATS cause they wouldn't stop talking about how much they LOVE America!!

Dan was like "YEAH right ZEKE, tell us the REAL REASON!!"

Zeke got REAL quiet for about two SECONDS, then HE FUCKING PUKED!!

HOLY MOLY! That VOMIT shot RIGHT outta Zeke's MOUTH and onto one of DAN'S SHOES!!!!!

Vermicompost

2006-10-26T23:22:00.000-07:00

Ever since i got so into growing my moss garden, I been gettin into growing OTHER kinds of things too!

I was reading about some cool science stuff to do in my local Library, when suddenly this OLD MAN came up to me.

He started axin' me about my KITCHEN SCRAPS and if I knew about WORMS and GARBAGE EATING!

I had NO IDEA what the FUCK that old fart was talking about!!!

THEN he taught me all about Vermicomposting, and that growing worms can be really NEAT-O MOSQUITO!!

I went over to Caldor and bought a SHITLOAD of worms, then brought 'em home.

I wet a bunch of torn newspaper strips and put them into a bin and then put all my WORMS on top, THEN threw in some leftover SOYBEANS and BANNANA PEELS!

Later on I brought it downstairs and SHOWED everyone my new KITCHEN COMPOST HEAP!!!

THEY WERE FUCKING PSYCHED!!!!!

Snipples

2006-10-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

We have a bathroom in our basement, but nobody ever USES it!!

THAT'S because its FUCKING NASTY down there!!!

Sometimes I go down there to smoke POT with my friends, but one time we saw a FLY down there and RAN outta there as FAST as we could!!

Tonight, though, I suddenly felt like I hadda have an ASS BLOW OUT SALE!!

I ran to the bathroom, but my stupid sister was in there! I ran to the one in my parents but the door was closed and I could hear my dad farting up a STORM!!

HOLY SHIT!! I had no other CHOICE but to use the one in the BASEMENT.

I ran like the WIND downstairs and barely got my pants down in time for an ATOMIC EXPLOSION.

I was about to start crying my stomach hurt so bad, when outta NOWHERE I saw a HUGE RAT walk right past the bathroom door! It was CRUISING around like it OWNED the place, and it had ENORMOUS BALLS!!

I grabbed the plunger next to me for defense, blew out the rest of what I could from my ASS, wiped up, the RAN AS FAST AS I COULD back upstairs.

I saw my cat Snipples sleeping on our couch.

I grabbed him and threw him as hard as I could down the STAIRS to the basement.

I sure hope he KILLS THAT RAT!!!!

Aunt Florence

2006-10-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

After my wonderful Aunt Florence died, my parents made ME clean out her crappy apartment!

I didn't want to go ALL the WAY to LOSER BROOKLYN to do it, but my Dad told me he'd tear my BALLS off and use them as EARPLUGS if I didn't!

I went down to her apt. on Sunday.

It smelled like someone DIED in there!!!

I held my breath and started cleaning out her drawers (I wanted to see if I could steal some AWESOME clothes from Aunty)...

In the second drawer down on her dresser, behind some weird purple thing, I found a NOSE HAIR TRIMMER!!!

I usually spend all day pulling out my nose hairs, and sometime I even chop them up into really SMALL nose hairs with an exacto knife...

But I always use my fingers to pull 'em out...I ain't NEVER used no MACHINE to do it!!!

I stuck the MACHINE in my left nostril and turned it on.

HOLY FUCK!!! IT TORE OUT ALL MY FUCKING NOSE HAIRS AT ONCE!!!

Jose

2006-10-19T19:09:00.000-07:00

Me and Jose got WASTED last night!!

We went to our favorite restaurant after work and Jose grabbed our waitress' ASS and then got got her PHONE NUMBER!!

We bought a bottlawhiskey onna way home. We almost FINISHED the whole thing on the SUBWAY RIDE!!

Jose came over to my house and we drank a little more and watched some Kanye West videos on YOUTUBE. Jose told me that he REALLY hadda "take a SHEEEET!"

I told him to jest wait ONE SECOND and watch this video of the worst rapper EVER.

We watched ALMOST the whole thing, when suddenly Jose got up and RAN outta the ROOM!

I went after him to see what he was doing and saw him go into my kitchen towards the bathroom. As he turned the corner I saw a PIECE OF SHIT FLY OUT OF HIS PANT LEG!!!

It LANDED on the floor in the kitchen RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY MOM!!!

Joes ran into the B-ROOM and SLAMMED the door.

My Mom turned BRIGHT RED and told to "GET MY LOSER FUCKING FLOOR SHITTING FRIEND THE FUCK OUT HER HER HOUSE AND TO TAKE HIS GODDAMNED DISGUSTING TURD WITH HIM!!!"

I heard the toilet flush, and Jose RAN into the kitchen, PICKED UP the TURD, and got the HELL OUTTA THERE!!!!

The Skywalkers

2006-10-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

DUH! There ain't NOTHIN' to CELEBRATE becase we LOST our soccer game to The SUCKWALKERS because DONNIE doesn't know what the HELL he's doing!

I had SUCH a SWEET shot and I was WIDE OPEN but DONNIE VAG-ONNIE was too STUPID to REALIZE IT!!!

I even ALMOST SCORED when I got the captain of The Skywalkers all ANGRY so he couldnt FOCUS!

I told him he gave his RETARDED TERRORIST SISTER a BLOWJOB!!

I got the ball, but I accidentally SLIPPED and that kid they call PRINCESS LOUIE got it away from me!

I DEFINITELY WOULDA got it in that other time, though, IF Donnie had PASSED it to ME!!!

I WAS gonna tell my MOM to invite him to my AWESOME SKIBALL birthday, but guess what!?!?!

NOW I"M NOT!!!!!!

'Rrhoids

2006-10-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

Willy NILLY!

I caught HEMORRHOIDS from my Uncle Frank!

At first I thought I wasn't WIPIN' good enough, but then my Mom told me that I was wipin' TOO MUCH!!

Uncle FRANK told me to do THAT!!!

He always says "Bort, ya gotta make sure your ASS is clean!"

I always do! I wipe it 'til it BLEEDS!!!

But STILL, sometimes when I'm sleeping at night, my A-Hole gets real itchy!

When THAT happens I try to remember the words of Korean wisdom my friend Sook Jee taught me...

She told me that "Confucious say, 'He who go to sleep with itchy asshore...

...WAKE UP WITH SMERRY FINGEL!!!!'"

Rick and Rachel

2006-10-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

Me and Rick was playin' MARBLES yesterday on the sidewalk in front of my house.

Rick was starting to win, for a while, until I nailed him right outta the RING with my GREAT MASHER!!

He started gettin' all MELANCHOLY after that, and then he started BITCHING about his GF, Rachel. He says she's kind of ANNOYING sometimes, and she's ALWAYS calling him to complain about boring stuff like clothes.

THEN he got all serious and told me his really SECRET problem.

She WON'T suck his DICK!!!

I was like "WHAT?!?! Why even BOTHER then!!"

Rick told me to "SHUTUP BORT you ain't never even HAD your dick SUCKED!!"

I told him I could SUCK MY OWN DICK whenever I goddamned wanted even if it DID hurt my back and anyway WHATEVER why doesn't Rachel suck HIS dick prally 'cause its all PIMPLY and SMELLS!

Rick then exclaimed "NO! It's NOT!!!"

THEN Rick told me the REAL reason:

She's a VEGETERIAN!!!!!"

Islam

2006-10-10T22:47:00.000-07:00

My Aunty Edna is a Muslim!

I'll bet that's how come she's so damned good at DRAWING!

I heard from my cousin that she believes in the MUSLIM GOAT LORD who RULES over the REALM of ISLAM with an IRON DISC OF POWER!!!

My cousin also told me that Aunty has to pray SEVENTY-EIGHT TIMES a day or she'll completely lose her virginity!!

HOLY COW~! I don't know why ANYONE would want to do THAT!

Dinner

2006-10-09T22:38:00.000-07:00

We sure had a lot of fun at DINNER last night!!

We ate delicious food, drank a little booze, and shot the SHIT!

It didn't even matter when Ray told Leroy that he had "some kinda crazy ass stank mouth."

Leroy already done know'd that!!

Me an' Gloria was dancin fo' a long track, until Roger cut it up chumped my ass, that is!

I pray to da J don' Gloria ain't be likin' Roger no more than ME!!!

But we was sittin' down a piece later and Leroy came to TRUE my ass dat "Hey Holm, you know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap upon you man!"

I knew dat col' got to be! Yo!

SHEEEET!!!

Manuela

2006-10-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

My friend Manuela loves to have FUN!!

She doesn't always like to go out though..

Neither do I!!!!

THAT'S why we both LOVE to hang out with on the INTERNET.

I like to sneak into my brother's room while he's sleeping and use his WEBCAM. Once I put an EIGHT HOUR VIDEO of him SLEEPING on YOUTUBE!!!!

EVERYBODY liked watching THAT!

On Saturday night, Manuela got onto her son's computer while he was out PARTYING.

She got HIS webcam hooked up and we hung out and talked on our COMPUTERS while Manuela killed a half a bottla WHISKEY!

She put on some of her favorite Mickey Avalon rap songs and started dancing like some kind of CRAZY BROCCOLI in front of the camera!

THEN SHE TOOK HER SHIRT OFF!!!

As soon as I saw Manuela's NIPS, i yelled "TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

SHIT!! My brother WOKE UP and KICKED me "THE FUCK OUTTA HIS ROOM!!!!!"

The M.F.s

2006-10-05T22:42:00.000-07:00

The other night me and my sister were finishing off the last of my parents vodka and we started laughin' about OLD TIMES...

Remember the time when we went to Kmart to git our family portrait taken?

Dad didn't wanna do it at first, but after my Mom gave him his crayons, he wasn't so ORNERY about it no more....

He was singin' his favorite SMITHS songs like they was SEA SHANTIES!!!

Pretty soon a bunch of other people in the store started singin' ALONG!

The photographer started getting all worked up because of all the other people gathering around us, and asked my dad to please stop singing but he WOULDN'T.

My mom started telling that photographer to "SHUT THE FUCK UP HE COULD SING WHATEVER HE WANTS JES TAKE THE FUCKING PICTURE!!"

Then my Dad PUNCHED the photographer in her PUSSY!!!

She RAN AWAY!!!

All the other people who were still singing "Reel Around the Fountain." They got up on stage with us and we
SANG and SANG like a FURIOUS CHORUS of JOY!!

SInce that BITCH photographer was gone, I had to take the picture MYSELF!

HAHA! ME and Laura reminisced for a WHILE about THAT time...

ZANG! After that story was done, I punched my sister in HER pussy!

She laughed so hard Vodka SHOT right outta her NOSE!!!

Albert

2006-10-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

I like hanging out with Albert and all, but that guy talks and TALKS!!!

Yesterday we went for a walk in the park and I thought it would be nice and QUIET!

IT WASN'T!!

FIRST, Albert gave me an ENTIRE history of the 1996 Yankees: pitchers, hitters, Joe Torrie, EVERYTHING!

THEN went on like an hour long DIATRIBE about BASS fishing and how you could find good bass anywhere, even in CHINATOWN!

THEN told me albout REFINANCING his BORING HOUSE and all about EQUITY and shit!!

THEN he went ON and ON about the LAST time he tasted some real SWEET ASS...

It was in 1974!!!!

Diagon Alley

2006-10-02T22:23:00.000-07:00

On Sunday Grandma decided to take my friend Peter and me on a MAGICAL trip to Diagon Alley.

It's only one block past the HASIDIC neighborhood!!!

FIRST we went ROBE shopping in Madame Malkin's Robes for all Occasions store. I got an awesome Trench Coat!

We also walked over to Eeylops Owl Emporium to check out some stupid BIRDS.
I sent a MAGICAL LOVE LETTER to my dog Indiana!

When we got hungry, we went to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour and ate a SHIT LOAD OF CANDY before heading over to the LEAKY CAULDRON to do some BOOZIN'...

After a few whiskeys I rilly hadda piss, so I went over to use the bathroom.

MAN it STUNK like DIARREAH in there!!!

I saw DUMBLEDORE in there PISSING OUTTA HIS ASS!!!!!

Acid

2006-10-01T22:32:00.000-07:00

I went out with Mike and Jackie on friday night.

Mike scored us some tabs of acid and we decided to do them in his basement.

Jackie INVENTED this really cool thing to do!! We rented the Wizard of Oz, then watched it with the sound off and at the same time played THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON by Pink FLoyd!

It actually WORKED! Just as Dorothy gets out of her house in OZ, "Money" comes on!! Jackie's idea was totally AWESOME.

After the movie, we REALLY started peaking, but stupid Jackie realized she had to work early the next day and would have to take me home.

It was only 9:30!!

Jackie drove me home and it was pretty WEIRD. I felt like I was fuckin' FLYING through a RAINBOW!!!

I finally got home, and everyone was still eating dinner! My parents had their DORKY friends over, and they kept askin' me about school and shit. One of my parents friends wanted to know all about my SPANISH CLASS, and I couldn't answer him because I kept LAUGHING my ASS OFF...

He looked like some kind of NAKED NATIVE AMERICAN!!!!

Church

2006-10-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

There's a Church right down the street from me. It DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!

I don't care that much about thems prayin' or pretending the LORD is gonna cure their cancer or whatever, but why do they have to be so LOUD!!!

Last night they was PRAYIN' and SINGING and shit until like 4AM. They were louder than the S. 2nd Street Gang!!

Finally I couldn't TAKE it anymore.

I took my stereo outside and put it in front of the church.

THEN I BLASTED my BAGPIPES RECORD as loud as it could go!!

I RAN as fast as I COULD back into my house so nobody would know it was me who BAGPIPED them.

The next day though, my stereo was GONE!!!

I think those JERKS STOLE IT!!!

Tameka

2006-09-27T21:48:00.000-07:00

Tameka used to come over ALL THE TIME and we would put on an AWESOME performance.

We called it The Naked People Show!!

Me and her used to get TOTALLY NAKED then JUMP up and down on my BED!!

THEN we'd SING The Naked People Show Song!

Bouncy BOOBS!
Bouncy BALLS!
The NAKED PEOPLE SHOWww-OH OHHH!!

It was the BEST FUN EVER!!!

Until my MOM walked in on us!!

Mommy was FURIOUS! She started YELLING and told "That BITCH to get outta this HOUSE"!

I JUMPED down to the floor and hid under my BED. I was crying "I'msorrymommyimsorrymomimsososososorry..."

From under the bed I could see Tameka's ASS CHEEKS flappin' as my mom kicked her "THE FUCK OUT!!!" the door.

HAHA! MY DAD SMACKED that ASS on the WAY OUT!!!

David

2006-09-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

Me and David decided it was high time we watched Watership Down again.

It was like the 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000th time we watched it!

We was REAL into it, too: eatin' popcorn and and drinkin' soda and puttin' PILLOWS over our laps so's we could keep our HANDS down THERE...

AFTER the movie David wanted to play HIS favorite game.

PRETEND!

HE would be Gary Kapsarov, LORD of the FLOWER REALM, and I would be the GREAT KNIGHT Steve Guttenberg.

Together would would fight the EVIL overlord WacKo JaCkO and his HOMELESS HENCHMEN!

It TOOK a couple hours, but we did indeed WIN the battle for the FLOWER REALM, and in that FATEFUL moment we FREED the gentle NOSEGAYS and saved the WORLD!!!!

Moss Club

2006-09-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

I was all bummed out about failing my driver's test this weekend.

HOLY TIT! I couldn't cheer up no matter WHAT I tried!

So I went to my MOSS CLUB!

At first it was REAL fun! We was swappin' ideas about gametophytes, or comparin' sphagnum to andreaeidae.

We all think moss is the SHIT!

THEN I found out that Mark was PROPOGATING sporophytes from MY MOSS into his OWN TRAYS!! He didn't even care if I KNEW!!!

DAMN YOU MARK!!!

I LEFT the Moss Clubhouse and went STRAIGHT to the BAR. I got as WASTED as I COULD!! I even bought more beer on the way home and drank more while I defeated KOREA!

The next morning, I woke up NAKED! I couldn't figger out WHY!

THEN I saw my underwear lying on the floor next to my bed and tried to pick it up. IT WAS ALL WET!!

The WORST part was, it SMELLED JUST LIKE PISS!!!

YETI

2006-09-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

Me and my cousin Edgar went to the Bronx Zoo today.

I got a hot dog and threw a piece of it at a stupid monkey!!!

THEN we went to the hall of darkness and we saw some worms AND bats. It was okay, I guess.

Later, we were walking around trying to find some fuckin' giraffes, when Edgar goes, "HOLY SHIT, a YETI!!"

I turn around, and I SAW IT TOO!!!

It almost SCARED the SHIT right OUTTA ME!!!!!

BONER

2006-09-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

I got a BONER in church!

Usually when my Great Aunt Penelope drops me off at St. Lucy's I PRETEND to go inside, but then instead I go around the back and walk over to White Plains Road to smoke CIGARETTES.

This time, though, Aunty insisted we go together!!!

She sat next to me so I HAD to sit through the whole BORING thing!

THEN, when the priest was reading from the third passage of the Corinthians , I got a NARB!

I tried to move it up to 12 O'clock position to minimize the IMPACT, but I realized that I had worn my hot pink UMBRO shorts! They were super thin, and what's worse, I thought it would be ok to FREEBALL it that day!!

I could hear my Aunty's lips smacking together as she recited the Nicene Creed, and I awkwardly tried to brush my hand against my dick to set it straight up.

It wouldn't work!!

It SLONGGED outwards from under my shorts like a SIDEWAYS SAUSAGE!!!